


The list

by aleba



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-31
Updated: 2013-01-31
Packaged: 2017-11-27 17:22:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/664517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aleba/pseuds/aleba
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One day after reading another article "10 things you didnt knew about every avenger!" Natasha makes a list of ten most crazy or simply wrong ideas that fans and haters have about her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The list

Everyone knows everything about every avenger.

They have fan clubs, forums, newsgroups, facebook groups, thumblrs, parody twitters and things they do not show to Captain America. Not because he could not handle it, but because they are a bit ashamed about world and people they work so hard to save.

One day after reading another article "10 things you didnt knew about every avenger!" Natasha makes a list of ten most crazy or simply wrong ideas that fans and haters have about her. She even writes it down and considers sharing it with rest of the team. At least edited version of it.

 

**1\. Black Widow is born in 1928.**

She is thirtylittlesomething not almost hundred. Natasha don't understand why none realizes that Black Widow do not reference just to her, its code name for every Red Room creation and so it happens that first Black Widow graduated Red Room at 1928. She even knows what happened to the girl – she was undercover in Berlin and red army didn't waste time to figure why blonde beauty speaks fluent russian... And against crowbar there is no trick, Natasha thinks, remembering the gruesome pictures of what remained from first Black widow.

**2\. Black Widows childhood was spent in hunger and overall poor misery.**

This one always gets Natasha cynical. It is soo typical for americans to assume that their powery is how soviet people lived their lifes. The die-from-hunger, no-winter-clothes-to-wear powerty is thing from capitalist world. By the time she was born, dying from hunger was tale about times of wars about begginings of soviet union, told in kitchen. Sure, there were no fancy, ready to eat stuff, clothes were terrible qaulity and disgusting design, but it served purpose. With free market and capitalism, for some come crippling powerty, but red room owners have exportable goods and widows work well enough all over the world to bring in currency, so deuchemarks and dollars keep them all well fed and clothed. That doesnt mean Natasha can not handle starvation and other limitations. Her training is thorough and well planned, she has gone through all that, but as part of training, never because money was lacking.

**3\. Black Widow is programmed patriotic, to love mother Russia.**

Natasha suspects that this is reason why she threw off programming so relatively easy – in last years of Soviet union when she was trained her masters ran the Red Room to own benefit, training assasins and renting them out to anyone able to pay. You can not programm girls to assasinate anyone they are ordered to and programm blind loyalty to country at same time, so doctors tuned the programming, downplaying the loyalty to Russia. When Natasha read the file about changes made, she cannot help to laugh about her tormentors so used to play with minds to fit their need, that they didnt realized a patriotism as key element in keeping widows obedient. Well the joke is on them, she thinks after last of scientists is hunted down and fire are eating away Red Room archive so Natasha stays last Black Widow generation.

**4\. Black widow uses superglue or double sided tape to hold her suit.**

Really? Do you think someone hanging around with technical genius and working for most technicaly advanced organization on earth need that? Think twice.

**5\. The guilty pleasure of Black Widow is long hot shower.**

Natasha would like to look in the eyes of one who invented this and ask about underlying logic. Why would anyone think that a girl raised in glorified orphanage where you shower together with 20 girls under water always either too hot or too cold would love shower? Shower is fast, efficient and accessable, sure, but luxury? Hot bath with bubbles, salts or essence oils are luxury; an hour spent soaking in fortified bathroom, so you dont have to worry about attack is luxury; reading a book while in bathtub is luxury; having edge of bath where to put the gun is luxury, not damn shower, fledging your face with water.

**6\. Black widow feels no emotions.**

First of all it is impossible – the person without emotions would be unable to blend in society and function in usefull way. (Yes, they tried it in Red Room, and kept records of their failures too). Second – she feels emotions alright. What she has is control. For most emotions you can either allow yourself to dwell in to them or force them away to deal with later or store them as weapons. Few emotions you cannot get to obey, you learn to hide, and hide perfectly. Otherwise you dont survive Red Room. In SHIELD she doesnt have to be afraid from the programming maintenance that is killing someone Black Widow has emotional ties to. But ingrained need to hide attachment do not go away that easy, so the tale about Black widow without feelings is widely spread even in SHIELD.

**7\. Black Widow can drink anyone under the table.**

Ooooook, she can pull out look of beeing relatively sober when men twice her size are crawling. But laws of physics are not cancelled, she is small framed and just her legacy from Red Room allows her to be drunk as hell and act like she is not even tipsy. Enhancments and chemical changes allows her escape hungover, that is true. But still there is just few times in her life she has drunk more then a drink or two – no matter how sober you look, wasted you are easy picking and Natasha is never easy picking.

**8\. Black Widow drinks only vodka and her favorite food are caviar.**

Sure, Natasha is an embodiement of stereotypical hollywood russian. Mojito and grilled shrimps, by the way. She still remembers her first mission in London. She has forgotten face of mark, but still remembers grilled tiger shrimps with vedge of lemon he gave her. And her first mojito in Berlin, with beautifull Diane whose hands later when they have sex, taste like lime and peppermint, taste that still lingers with Natasha when she boards plane to Moscow, Dianes research in viral theraphy secure in her purse.

**9\. Black widow have never/is unable to feel satisfaction in sex.**

For her life, Natasha cannot figure where this one came from. Maybe need to somehow counter her ability to use sexuality as tool? Still, the notion is alive and popular and false and honestly – idiotic. Red Room specialists are evil sick bastards, but they are smart evil sick bastards so they would never allow their property to use tool they are unfamiliar with. Each of the widows have experienced the mind blowing fucking, where all their senses are beeing worked, lingering on blade over abyss of pleasure to be pardoned or punished, both options equality desirable. They have made love with sweet nothings in their ears, they have had visceral punishing fight for dominance and pleasure. Sick evil bastards cannot risk anyone unhinging their precious daughters with well performed cunilingus, so they learn to receive pleasure too. And to kill ones bringing them to highest peaks.

**10\. She sleeps with every member of Avengers. And Pepper. And Fury. And Maria Hill. And Coulson.**

Natasha suspects that the source of this rumor is twofold – as only female member of Avengers, she is natural choice of troubled minds out there. And she has said no to enough recruits of SHIELD, sometimes using quite convincing methods, to create some bad blood here. Fact that one of specially persistent suitors got four years assignment in Arctic, organized by orders of Fury didn't helped. Nor helped the sudden firewall and unbeatable parental control, courtesy of Maria Hill, for an idiot who tried to post in youtube videos of Natasha in sport bra and shorts working out. Not helpful was Coulsons revenge to Natashas partners who used operations to coop a feel – for quite a time their ops involved working in cleanup team and scraping off traces of DNA in worst corners of planet. The arrow that sudden gush of wind threw off course and right in to the buttock of agent who while cover op pinched Natashas butt so strong that she had a bruise there, was beyond not helping. Way beyond helping, right in to lets blow fires higher... Natasha herself suspect that it was a way how her colleagues tried to protect idiots with faulty survival instincts from her revenge what would involve a lot more pain and blood.


End file.
